Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you