I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Everyone’s family
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”