A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now