Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
You Might Also Like
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.