Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
How high do the levels go?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.