Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
yeah no that’s fair
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”