[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The asteroid..
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My safe word is Worcestershire
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.