me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
three things we don’t talk about
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*