Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I hate my earbuds.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.