Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
You Might Also Like
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*