“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
#growingpains
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it