Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane