my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car