[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
BRO LMFAO
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”