Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
What number SPF blocks people?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…