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For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“The Perfect Relationship”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
12653.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier