Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Boom, boom, ching!
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.