*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.