I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.