The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Well, this is awkward
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches