Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*