The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
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Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*