whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Moms. The original autocorrect.
this is me
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I already tried new things thanks.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?