I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
You have been warned.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes