There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
uncle dave has been through hell
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.