Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.