my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Every haunted house movie:
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.