Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
pizza
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary