[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
j o i m p
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty