[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.