Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though