Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The internet is full of many things
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy