mom had nothing to worry about
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.