Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.