Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
no such thing as a dumb question
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.