[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.