The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.