Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Very good news from my accountant
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
thanksgiving in nutshell
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.