Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Flowers bee like
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Merica.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!