I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.