The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Tony Hawk, age 6
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in