DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
what the
the composer
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words