“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.