My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Fiction has to make sense.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.