If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
this is so top tier i cant
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office