“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
What number SPF blocks people?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome