The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
3% human
97% stress