People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty