Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.