My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’d use my best pan on you.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life